Gaming: I Just Found It On The Hard Drive Honest! Weird Retro Porn Games - Weird Retro

I Just Found It On The Hard Drive Honest! Weird Retro Porn Games

If you are offended by blocky vintage computer graphics of semi-nudity, floppy disembodied boobs and sexy sheep, you should turn away now. This article is not so much NSFW (Not Safe For Work), it's more Not Safe For Wank. You have been warned! Prepare yourself for some badly pixelated porn. Or in reality, just some utterly unerotic vintage computer gaming nonsense. We already covered one of the earliest, if not the first commercially available erotic computer games, in the blog post about 1981's text adventure / interactive fiction Softporn. A game released by On-Line Systems, who later became Sierra On-Line, the makers of the infamous erotic adventure game series Leisure Suit Larry. The first edition in the series being directly based on Softporn.

Back in 1987 I went to college, to study computing. We spent many hours in the computer labs programming, and in our down-time would have a dig around the shared hard-drives to see what hidden gems we could find. It was there that we all (simultaneously it would seem) discovered first the shoot-'em-up Astrotit, soon followed by the first Leisure Suit Larry. How they'd got onto the system remained a mystery. As no-one dare ask, on the off chance that the network administrator would remove them. Never thinking for a second that it was the bespectacled spotty pervert lurking in his office at the back of the computer lab, who had uploaded to the server in the first place. I never knew anyone that actually bought a porno computer game, or at least admitted to it. They got passed around on unmarked pirated disks, from clammy hand to sweaty palm. They were all without fail awful, unerotic and more than a bit creepy. Games that would leave players feeling a bit cheap, and even though they hadn't paid for it, cheated. Wondering what twisted minds had spent hour after hour bent over their keyboards writing the source code and compiling these abominations.

Paradise Café (1985): Paradise Café was the first and only Portuguese game for the ZX Spectrum. It is an adult game in which the player would interact with different characters, from the corner prostitute, to her pimp and police. If you manage to work your way around you would earn money to spend, and if you overspent you could count that eventually a "big" guy named Reinaldo would "interact" with you from behind. I know of no-one that ever played this game, not having any Portuguese speaking friends. But looking for screen shots to upload for this article, the one on the right is just about one of the cleanest I could find. Despite the very dodgy 8-bit Spectrum graphics, it was very explicit. Especially the scene where players met Reinaldo.

Astrotit (1987): Well what can I say about the DOS game Astrotit, the strange sexy sci-fi shoot-'em-up? Players control a disembodied penis that spits sperm at disembodied bouncing lactating breasts, copies of the Bible, birth control pills and the AIDS virus. Pretty hardcore social commentary for the mid-80s. But any serious metaphor was lost among the utter weirdness of the game. All played out against a lunar lander style 4 colour CGA background. Oh and the premise of the game? A post-apocalyptic world where humanities water supply has been tainted with hamster urine, which has rendered everyone telepathic. If hardcore hallucinogenic drugs were not involved in the production of this game, I'd be very disappointed.

Leisure Suit Larry Series (1987 - 1996): Al Lowe the creator of Leisure Suit Larry copied the structure of the interactive fiction game Softporn for the first adventure of our titular hero, but Larry then went on to appear in 6 sequels. Originally produced and released by Sierra On-Line, the adventures on Larry Laffer, a balding, double entendre-spouting, leisure suit-wearing man in his 40s, have gone down in gaming history. And are probably for anyone that was in teenager in the 80s, one of the most infamous games of the decade.

The first game Leisure Suit Larry in the Land Of The Lounge Lizards was released in 1987, on the PC, Apple, Amiga, Atari ST and the Tandy Color 3 Computer. Thegame follows Larry's attempts to get laid. Which in the most part he utterly failed to do. In fact the first game in particular was well known for containing almost no sexual content, as Larry failed time and time again to score with the ladies. Originally released in 1987 in a CGA version, it was remade in glorious 256 colours in 1991. Despite almost no advertising, Larry was a sleeper hit. Sierra were initially nervous about how the game would be received, and so released it under the radar. It's success came from college students in 1987 like myself finding it on servers and playing it too death, unsure what we had found or where the hell it had come from.

Fuck Quest (1988): An amateur production that parodies Leisure Suit Larry, the game uses the same graphical / text interface look of Larry. Just that's much more crude in all aspects. Graphics, style, story-line and that you can easily get laid in Fuck Quest. In fact I've seen the game finished from beginning to end in 3 minutes. That includes leaving watching a porno at home, going to the supermarket, seducing a woman in the park by playing her a song and putting on a mask so you look like Brad Pitt... Following her home, deciding which position you want to do it in and watching 30 seconds of (literal) fireworks. Therefore Fuck Quest isn't by any stretch of the imagination a good game, but it does stand-out as a fun early parody of what would become the Larry series.

Planet Of Lust (1989): A first-person perspective text adventure game for the Amiga, Atari St and PC which the features "meaty galactic hero" Brad Stallion, who must "thwart the schemes of Dr. Dildo by rescuing Princess Orgasma of the pleasure planet Erotica," which he mostly accomplishes by taking his clothes on and off. Another Sierra On-Line inspired game, it's a cross between Sierra's Leisure Suit Larry and Space Quest, with a mullet sporting porn star. Infamous for its terrible game play, our hero spawned a number of sequels. One screen claims that "Captain Brad Stallion" is played by someone called "Brodrick Bullcock". Whether the dodgy 80s porn star looking dude was a real actor, is something I've not been able to find out.

There were five games in the Brad Stallion series of games, starting with the text adventure Sex Vixens From Space on the Commodore 64, in 1988, which was also released on a very creepily entitled text adventure game compilation Sex And Violence Vol.1 in the same year, by Free Spirit Software.

Sex Olympics (1990): Released for the PC, Amiga and Atari ST, Sex Olympics is the last of the "Brad Stallion" series of games. The game takes place in a fictional universe where the player controls dashing hero Brad Stallion, in competition with arch-enemy Dr. Dildo in the interplanetary Sex Olympics. The goal of this futuristic sporting event is to seduce women (more precisely, nubile females of various species) from different planets faster than the lothario Dr. Dildo does. This is achieved either by seducing them through old-fashioned questing and the solution of adventure-game puzzles or by thwarting the good doctor from obtaining certain items he needs in order to keep his groove on.

Geisha (1990): Again, as with many 90s games, released on the Amiga, Atari ST and PC, Geisha is a point-and-click erotic sci-fi / cyberpunk adventure game. A mad scientist kidnapped the protagonist's girlfriend Eva, and wants to transform her into some sort of a futuristic geisha (half-machine, half-human). The hero travels to Tokyo and must face various dangers to prevent this from happening. Played through an on-screen computer interface, players must solve a number of sub-game puzzles, including card games, jigsaws and an arcade sequence. An utter failure in all ways, as the game attempts to be too many things. The one thing it isn't though is erotic.

Fascination (1991): Fascination is an adventure title from those crazy folks down at Coktel Vision. Oh I forget to mention, they did Geisha too. Instead of a cyberpunk future, we're exploring a 80s style Miami Vice world. Playing an accidental detective you discover the seedy side of Miami, as you visit bars, nightclubs, hotels and mansions of crime lords on your quest to solve clues and slut your way around. Oh did I mention you play a woman?! Complete with moody synth music, stylish and bright neon colors and a visual design that makes every screen outlined and laid out as if you were seeing it through some silhouette cut-out. The whole game is as cheesy as Crockett and Tubbs' sockless espadrilles.

Cuntlet II (1992): Finally a PC game that’s pretty much the popular arcade game Gauntlet II, (read exactly) except the characters are named Adonis the Love God, Queer the Fag, Venus the Whore, and Moon Beam the Hippie. And the enemies are penises, butts, boobs, sperm and very angry looking beavers. Essentially Cuntlet II was a hacked and cracked version of Gauntlet II ported onto the PC, with altered graphics and sprites, that did the underground circuit. Instead of leaving behind a key ring upon character death, instead in your wake is left a wet puddle on the sheets. Possibly the ultimate in sad lonely geek computer games, which probably answers a couple of questions about the bizarre game-play.

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